When I thought my heart would break

There was nothing I could do. Her struggles I could only imagine. Though I have a great one, imagination does little to ease reality. Responsibilities at home, at school and at church pressing on this young heart. Trying to figure out who you are is difficult enough. Add newly protruding body parts and the unpredictable human chemicals called hormones and this is a recipe for.....what exactly?

The day was dark and stormy. I mean, it had been a long, hard day for me at work. It was evening. We were putting away the dinner items. The water was steaming as it rushed out of our kitchen faucet, and I was checking the kids' homework progress (or lack there of in some cases). Trudging up the stairs to check her work for the umpteenth time, I hoped for better news than before. Wondering why her work was so slow in coming forth, I asked why. She'd been texting instead of completing homework. NICE.

The remorse only came when I held my hand out for the phone. No words were needed. She knew. I knew. Knowing doesn't really help. Not unless you make a choice to back up the knowledge will change happen. As she walked away her phone screen illuminated with notification of a new text. Wondering, I slid it open and looked at the incoming message. This was our deal when she received the phone. Without warning, peering at texts and phone records by parents was a way we thought would help to ensure innocence would not be lost. Pfffts. Right.

The message was nasty. Filled with written words of filth and hurt. Gulping down the fear rising into my throat I selected the option to read her outgoing messages. These messages were doubly hurtful, nasty and full of four-letter-fowl-words. I must have selected the wrong folder. n.o.p.e.

Reality is an interesting concept. My reality will look, smell and taste different from your reality. My past memories and hurts as well as my joys will influence my perception of my reality. Yet, there still are high and poor quality choices to be made regardless of perceived reality. Truth is there. Waiting. Though sometimes truth slaps you upside your head and kicks you in the pants, it is necessary. This was not what I had planned for my reality that night.

So, I stood, bracing myself with the frame of my bathroom door jam. Reeling from the reek of the stench that had poured out of her. Through her fingertips. I began to see double, yet the tears stayed held.My tears needed to wait. There was a mission to be completed - questions to be answered. Maybe there was a reasonable explanation for this. I bet she fell during PE today. That's got to be it. She's fighting a concussion. She answered the questions I presented in an emotionless, forthright and professional manner. No apologies. No remorse. No....what? Reason or recognition. She was found guilty and she didn't seem to care. I walked out of her room, helpless and broken. The words exchanged were not tense. Nor were they elevated. We had both been calm. As I descended the stairs a realization hit me.

I was disappointed. In my daughter. The baby I dreamed and planned for. The toddler I instructed who's sparkling eyes held me in such esteem. The little girl who was sure she'd marry her daddy one day and broke her arm falling from a slide when she was five. Who over corrected her brothers and "policed" the house constantly. Those issues seemed very diminished compared to the current information. I prayed. Ben and I talked. We prayed. We cursed and pointed fingers at oursleves. In the end, there was still a confused girl waiting in her room. Waiting for the worst. Waiting to hear that we disapproved, that I was disappointed. That she was.not.worth.it.

I found myself walking back to her room an hour later. Instead of condemning her poor choice, I told her a story. The princess in the white dress story. She messed up her pretty dress and tried to fix it herself, but that just made the problem worse. She needed help. She needed love. She needed hope. She needed, redemption.

Really, this is what we all need, what we all CRAVE. We need hope. We need help. We need redemption. We were not meant to figure this life out on our own. To wash our used-to-be-pretty-white clothes takes more than one.

She knew better. She made a poor choice, and it didn't taste good deep down. She began to cry. Yes, there were consequences for her poor choices, but changes are evident. In the time since then disrespect has risen again and again. We have been learning how to deal with this new stage and we are all working together better than ever now. Today she is more dear to me that she was previous to this event. She has grown.....so have I. Who knew? ;-)

The road is bumpy and long sometimes. But we often fail to take a moment, pause, look behind us and see the beautiful vista. That really does make the, sometimes, vomits journey worth the pain and broken hearts.

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: REJOICE! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything....." Philippians 4:4:6a

90% is not the same as 100%...

but it's DARN close! I have completed 90% of my finals. The remaining item is an in class essay about the Constitution of the U.S. Breezy, baby. BREEZY!

I am thankful for SO much through this time of improvised schedules.
Ben is a huge asset. He takes the kids to mid-week church activities and helps them all with homework. He has also become quite the chef. I cannot have done what I have without his efforts and support.
My Mom has been picking up the Twins from school every Wednesday. This enables me to work later than their pick-up time. I have been able to keep both jobs because she has helped out.
The kids are ever becoming more responsible with their activities. Es and Sam get to the bus stop on their own. Every kid has improved their school abilities and grades. This is a huge task!
Friends have been encouraging and offered advice as I have been in desperate need.

My heart is full of appreciation and gratitude. I am who I am because of many people.
Thank you to me is not just a term. It is a way of life. So, I will honor you all as I press on.

THANK YOU.

We've been invaded by the body snatchers

Are you scared? I AM! During the past few weeks I have begun to realize that my kids are on their way out. Out of childhood and into teenager-dom and adulthood. Out of my arms and into the big, wide, some-times, scary world. How do I know this to be true? Well, I'll tell you.....

The two oldest ride the bus home from school. My heart was ever watchfull and attentive that very first ride. I thought I was going to stretch out of my skin to grab and hold them close! And when Sam (6th grade, 11yo) rode the wrong bus route....for 6 minutes I couldn't breathe. I wanted to do something, but was unable. If you are a parent and you've lost sight of your kid, even for a moment, you know that feeling. It is that despite, gnawing, yearning, passionate desire to....protect. To conquer the evil that you know is lurking. And you thought this was about a bus ride. It is. This bus mishap brought about all these emotions and thoughts. What if he, not only got on the wrong bus, but then got off at a stop on that wrong route? Did he tell the driver his plight? I wish he had his own phone. Maybe he's still at school. I love that annoying boy. I WANT HIM HOME. Needless to say, we all had a talk about how to handle these types of situations. My lesson was: even though they are older and more mature....my heart doesn't recognize that fact. My heart will always break, swoon and yearn for them. For their best. For their well being.

The next bit of evidence is their verbiage. The words they use and how they use them. "Mom, was this (item....movie, car, article of clothing) made in your time?". Them instructing ME how to preform certain household tasks or culinary procedures. Sheesh.

I know I am working myself out of this parenting job, and I accept that. The thing that has been unexpected is the heart ache. The turmoil of soul that training and raising this Quartet has brought is not something anyone could have prepared me for. My only hope is that I am the mother they need. That this teacher I am will give them all the tools and training they need to cultivate a love for learning and a love for God. I never knew this order was so tall.....may God help me.

Esther. 12yo. 7th grade.

Samuel. 11yo. 6th grade.

L-Joey and Zach. 9yo. 4th grade.

And the list goes on

We have had the keys to the house for a week and a day. We've had a few set backs. Ben had to sand the hardwoods twice, and the tile work was set back by....technology. The new tile cement was touting ease of time, but it set up TOO quick. So, back to Home Depot for the regular stuff. I bet that was his tenth trip in a week. =D The kids have been helping TONS. I am so proud and blessed by them. They have been cleaning, painting and assisting Ben and I in our jobs. We have been assisted by our church family and my parents. Many others would love to help but 1) they have jobs or kids that need them 2) we're getting to the done side of this thing. YAY!

Thus far we are done with: painting, carpet cleaning, 1/2 bath renovation, carpet in master and first floor existing hardwoods.

What is left you may be thinking??? Today Ben will be laying the tile he cut, cutting and laying tile for the kids bath. The kids and I will be finding all the sprinkler heads and cleaning them. Moving their rooms over, moving the fridge in and possible moving our perishables over.

Tomorrow will be bathroom day. We'll be putting the toilets back and cleaning. Ben will begin to install the new hardwoods downstairs. By weeks end the ducts, furnace and AC will be cleaned, and the cable and internet will be swapped.

Ben and I have to work all next week, but the following week WE'RE OFF! YEEESSSSS! Some where in all of this I need to school supply shop with the kids. Oh yeah, and get a little rescue dog. =D

I love being my own landlord. Sweet Baby Jesus thank you LORD!

Sam. He blistered his hands and didn't even know.

Joe.

Zach.

Sam's room.

The Subway pick-nick we had the day we told the kids.

Our new addition

...blank...

I bet you have been thinking that I would just throw in the blogging towel, haven't you? NO WAY! Let me see, where to begin.....

Ben and I were able to take a week off the end of June for a little stay-cation. It was awesome! Be barbecued and read our books in the yard. We also offered on a house. With that came the roller coaster of waiting, paper work, not hearing anything and....waiting more. We are still in the midst of this event and are hoping for a soon coming close. I've learned that you can't take hope or dreams to the bank.

The kids have been keeping busy with friends, sleep overs and our county's summer read program. They have been spending every Wednesday at my folks' place. As I work M-F this is a nice reprieve for them. My dad has been giving them guitar lessons (just the older two). The kids are required to practice, write stories and have a craft time week days. My hopes were that their penmanship would improve over the summer.....we'll see. They are all hard workers and I am proud of them!

We have a final vacation set for the end of this month and then, BAM, summer break will be over. School supplies will be purchased and middle schoolers sent off. Gosh. I.AM.OLD. ;-) A seventh, a sixth and two fourth graders this year. WHAT?! Yup.

I will hopefully be able to post exciting news soon. It's scary to hope at times.

How has your summer been thus far?

The Piercing Progression

The Besties

Which earings to choose?

The pre-lobe

Instructions

Nerves

Excitment

Fear!

Now that it's over....that wasn't so bad!

The post-lobe look

The car ride home. Black Eye Peas "Tonight"

My brain is oozing from my head

through my ears. I learned about the "full" office procedures today. Ordering, shipping, receiving, invoicing (both sides), cutting checks, making paper trails and matching all the paper trails together. By the time I got home today my vision was blurry. I don't know how Linda (my supervisor) has been doing all the AR/P + purchasing. Uggg. Just after one day I'm exhausted. =D

I must post about the silliness of my kids. It seems that every member of my Quartet is eager to grow up. The other day (during breakfast) Zach asked when his adam's apple would make its appearance. HA! I'll just say the conversation lead to puberty and sperm production. It was only a 5 min. conversation! Since Babe had already explained everything I was thankfull this talk was just a refresher. This is going somewhere I promise! The kids spent time with my folks yesterday and today. My dad quoted Esther talking to her Twins "Well, when you're going through THE puberty your legs will get hairy just like Sam's". WHAT?! Nothing passes by her eagle eyes. I cannot believe how very large in heart and body the kids are. Freakin' crazy.

My G.P.A. suffered a 'B' this term. This is my second since my beginning college in the fall of 2009. I was not pleased when I first learned about it. Then reality sunk in. I began counting my blessings. Both Babe and I went to college for 6 consecutive terms, and we have no debt because of it. This will be a huge help in saving for a house! Oh, and we were able to go.and.learn.for.almost.two.stright.years. Awesomeness is what that is!

"I think I'll scooch my chair back and lay a little."

This is what Sam (10y.o.) declared after stuffing himself on our family date last night. It was a night of celebrations. We had been planning this night for over a week. At first it was going to be an outing to a local video store, but it soon morphed into much more.

When the kids work hard and complete tasks above the normal duties they earn a payday. As I was paying them and helping them divide their money (tithe, spending and saving) I realized they all needed to deposit their savings in the bank. This was plan change #1. Now that we are all going to the bank the kids excitement was elevated a notch. They were already excited to go to VGW, but now they are going to their bank. The kids love their bank. I think it has much to do with how mature and older they feel during the transaction.

Once Ben is done with his bit of homework he gets into the truck and the kids cheer. We are ready to go. The music is loud and the voices are charged. Ben and I look at each other and smile. It was one of "those" moments. We are blessed. As we walked into the bank and wait in line I can feel the three tellers assumptions. "This is going to take a while" I can almost hear them think. But it didn't and we gather together to look at our receipts after all our transactions are finished. Another customer walks in and pauses. Due to our blob of humanity he looks confused and wonders if there is a problem. "We're just having a meeting" I say. When I refocus to what I heard the kids saying I realize we are in for plan change #2. "Joey gets a party!"

We have a tradition that the kids get to have a party when they reach increments of a hundred dollars in their savings. I couldn't believe that my just-turned-nine-year-old had reached this goal. I congratulate him and suggest the party commence that very minute at the restaurant across the street.

We ordered. We ate. We laughed. That was not unusual but the location was. We don't often go out to eat and run errands as a family. As we were finishing dinner we were talking about when Zach would accomplish his savings goal. He only needed two dollars to do so. He decided to accomplish it that very night! He and Ben walked back to the bank to check if they were still open. As we didn't see them for several minutes we knew they had been successful. Another party was needed, but we were too stuffed to party anymore that night. The plans were made for the following day, and we left for the video store.

No, this was not a typical night. It also wasn't the night we had planned; it was so much more. My kids are growing in maturity and wisdom. I was impressed by them. I was humbled by them. They truly are my best treasures. I would live all the hard days all over again just to live last night once more. Yes, it was that good! If only I had taken a snap shot. Oh wait, I did! Its memory is laying in the folds of my heart, never to be forgotten.

We Aren't Jack-o-lanterns

Kooky kids.

Zach-the wounded, yet victorious, Ninja.

Joe-the Silly Clown.

Sis- the Black & White TV show. (She thought

of this on her own. =)


Sam-the I-know-Zombies-aren't-real Zombie.

Whatever.....

doesn't fly at our house. That is unless it's used sarcastically; then it's a free for all!

Before 9.20am today I had already dealt with a day full. But this story will need some back up. Get ready....get set....

While studying Finland and it's exceptional educational system (for a paper) I realized that I have 'hovering' tendencies as a Mom. The article I read stated that the lack of hovering by parents and teachers was one reason for the high scoring academics."Hurry up. We need to be out the door in 15 min." or "Ummmm. Is this plate clean? Yeah, I didn't think so either. Please clean it again." are just two of some very common sentences I use. I will often catch myself reminding the kids (usually the boys) of what they should already do on their own. Ick. I don't enjoy it and neither do they.

So, this morning I told Them All that since they knew (and have charts to help them if they forget the spot in the routine) I wasn't going to remind them of anything. This was my brilliant plan. Looking back I now realize the mistake of having children....er....I mean of not giving more preparation for them and ME. =D (For the record: I LOVE my kids and am glad I have them.) By the time we needed to leave NO.ONE. yes you read right.NO.ONE.WAS.READY. That is, except me.

I knew the consequences as time was ticking. Feet were slow and mouths full of food and talk. Sometimes it doesn't take a brain surgeon to realize the facts; we were not going to be on time. I HATE being late. HATE. I guess that I'm not a typical Baby Child in this way. Don't get me wrong, I love jokes and having fun. But there is a time for that and this wasn't it.

One kid sat 'farting around' for 45 min. at breakfast. Glory be. Others, due to their lack of completing their jobs, spoiled some breakfast food. Did the Mamma clean up after the kiddo's? Nope. This, I learned, was the hardest part for me. Also untypical to the B.C. (baby child) I need order and tidy-ness. Really it's not just a need; it's a have-to-have-it-or-I-feel-as-if-I-can't-breathe thing. Truly. Well, we made it on time but with consequences. Ones that I didn't choose.

So, while the milk container sat on the table for The Child to take care of it all afternoon, I dealt with me. I wrote in my journal the other day that it really doesn't matter what grade I receive on my mid-term. What matters is how I handle Ben and the kids while juggling the studying for said test. That is the real test for me. Do I say no to often trying to achieve my degree goal? Do I hurt feelings unintentionally in order to make things in my space 'right' for me? This is were I will be working the hardest.

Yup. My house was a mess today. But I'm trying to learn to smile through that mess. I have a feeling this week will be a doozy as I relinquish more control and let the kids understand freedom = responsibility. If that responsibility is not taken care of there is no freedom. Or video games. Or candy. Or vacations. Or rest. Or world peace. =0) Heh. Those last three were added just to test you. A messy house cannot promote world peace....or can it?.....

Virtual Constipation

I guess that's better than physical constipation. =D Well, it's time to clean this virtual 'body' out! I've been wanting to post but I've also been doing the needed things so my blog has gotten....backed up. At least it has in my brain.

*sigh* As I sit and type, the kids are watching their last of Saturday TV; we've got a full day. As most Sat. go, we're cleaning the entire house. But today we'll also be aiding Ben by organizing the garage and cleaning the back patio. This will be a gift to the Mamma. I love sitting and chatting with Babe at days end as we sip our wine. The treat will be to have that experience seated in front of an outdoor fireplace.....it's a beautiful thing and I CAN'T WAIT!

School is going good for us all. The kids LOVE their teachers and the new schedule. Babe will be taking a much needed break from college next term (he's taken math all 6 of his consecutive terms....ick). I'm taking Math 211 and Writing 121 and completely love my instructors. Both my teachers have earned doctorates in the classes their instructing. Dr. Nolan (MTH) is a quirky, random, grampa man (it shocked me at first but I'm learning this style keeps me on my toes)who is hard of hearing and Dr. Sanders is super organized and linear (which I dig). Mid terms are in about 10 days. Yay.

The remaining will be updates via photos.....I just can't get over the joy in our lives. God is good!


Our new toys. Ta-da!


The grasshopper before its legs and wings were mysteriously
"amputated". Zach.



Our house can hold company! This is proof at
how good Anna and I have it.




The before and after.

The process.......he was exited at first. Then came the chewing and brushing pain. =/

The jog-a-thon yesterday (aka the kids' marathon....=). Since Ben completed the Portland all the kids were in on the process. Pace yourself. Breathe. A few days before the 'thon Joey came to me and wanted to make sure they get their "carb load" the night before the big race. Yup. Oh, and I just look ticked. I'm not really. =] Totals: Es and Sam-2 miles; The Twins-1.75 miles; Mamma-4 miles.

This morning. Awww. I love catching them

in acts of kindness.

All this peace and activity = weight loss. Ben has lost around 20lb's and I 10. We'll see if it continues but we're happy where we are.

Switch-o Change-o

OH. BOY.

We're moooooved. We so very much ENJOY our new spot on this round ball. I didn't realize how much havoc surrounded our other place.

There are several reasons why this spot is one of peace for us.
1- It's larger. We aren't tripping on one another.....ever.
2- It's on a quieter street. THREE days went by before we heard a siren. WOW!
3- I haven't see a single illegal transaction. Serious.
4- The kids school is a brisk, four minute, walk from our place.
5- The Quartet's school begins one.hour.later. and since we're closer.....it's just a beautiful thing. Our mornings are not longer filled with MAJOR time management. We still watch the clock but not as strictly.
6- We are a quick three minutes away from our church. We googled it and found it would be a 23 min. walk and a 7 min. bike ride. LOVE IT!
7- The way this house is laid out is perfect for our family. It's been added on to about twice (in 60 years) and I think God had us in mind all along! The boys room is large enough to house all their items AND to be used as a play room as well. The Four all have a space to complete homework away from distractions. This has been a HUGE advantage. We have a fire place again!
8- Our Land Lady is across the street and a DEAR. She's the one we've told the kids to run to if there's an emergency and we aren't home.

So, since the 6th of August we:
Signed the lease*Moved*Unpacked*Found all the school supplies*Kids stared a.new.school*Had Peso partially fixed*Katy started a new job*Cleaned old house*Walked through old house*Reinstated our library cards for this county*Run in a new and multi-hilled area*Purchased this terms collegic text books*Had several margaritas and made oh-so many memories already.

I truly cannot describe how blessed I feel. At this point I'm not even sure there are words in existence to describe.

Thank you for praying. Thank you for helping. Thank you for supporting. Without you all.....there wouldn't be a THIS.

Cause and effect

When your house looks this way.......

and if you have three boys who love to use

their trinkets and toys in highly imaginative

ways......

then your house could look this way the day

after said activities......

Questions

Esther (11yo) "Mom, can we get up walk around the house with flash lights late at night?"
Me~ "Uhhh. Sure."
Ben ~ "As long as it's after midnight." (I think we're both hoping that no kid will be awake then!)
Me ~ "And as long as you don't go outside and you stay out'ta our room." Nobody better wake me up with a stinkin' flash light!

IT'S SUMMER!

My final is WEDNESDAY. I even delayed my birthday a single day due to the end of classes. That's how much we are excited (Ben's is Tuesday)! OMGosh.

Another question while trying to avoid a (hemorrhoid) commercial "Do you put that stuff on your butt?" ~ Sam (10yo). Yup, buddy. Ya do. Never thought I'd be answering that question.

What questions have YOU had to answer lately???

Between Now and Then

Holy COW. Have I been pc shy or what? Hmmmm. Technophobia? Not really since that would mean a fear of technology. Maybe flogaphobia??? (facebook/blog fear) HA!

What? You think I'm stuck on phobia's or sum'm? Well, I am. This is the Greek root of the day. We study one every few days. Our goal: to finish the first set of 100 by summers end. Yeah. We'll be doubling up.....

When Ben and my school let out we busted out'ta town to visit Ben's family. Then we said "SEE YA!" to the kids and headed to the coast for our anniversary get away. Below is evidence of how rummy we got on the 6 hr. drive.

After our 4 days hiatus from the kids Nadine brought the kids to the coast (THANKS MOM)! This is one of our excursions to Hug Point. SUPER cool.

This one was taken above the little falls.

So very, very COLD. I was reminded how much I enjoy warmth while taking these. Yes, the water drowned my feet several times getting some awesome shots.

Sis celebrated her 11th year there. What? Yup. She'd been planning her day for months. No joke. Coffee. Pancakes. Gifts. Taco Smell. =) Movie. Play. Fried chicken, green beans, mashed tatoes and strawberry shortcake. More movies. Whew! It was a good one!

This was the second to the last night. We invited anyone who wanted to come and watch the sun set. Sam was the only taker. We had a sweet time with just him and us.


After 8 days away we were ready for home.

The tooth puller.

The I didn't-ask-you-to-make-the-salad-I-needed-to-make-for-the-dinner-with-friends-but-thank-you-SO-much Girl.

This summer has already been full and a blessing! The best part is.....it's NOT OVER! Babe and I are taking math over the summer but it's do-able. Now we've just got to fit in two camping trips, another trip to the beach and another trip down south! YEEEESSSSS! We are blessed.