When I thought my heart would break

There was nothing I could do. Her struggles I could only imagine. Though I have a great one, imagination does little to ease reality. Responsibilities at home, at school and at church pressing on this young heart. Trying to figure out who you are is difficult enough. Add newly protruding body parts and the unpredictable human chemicals called hormones and this is a recipe for.....what exactly?

The day was dark and stormy. I mean, it had been a long, hard day for me at work. It was evening. We were putting away the dinner items. The water was steaming as it rushed out of our kitchen faucet, and I was checking the kids' homework progress (or lack there of in some cases). Trudging up the stairs to check her work for the umpteenth time, I hoped for better news than before. Wondering why her work was so slow in coming forth, I asked why. She'd been texting instead of completing homework. NICE.

The remorse only came when I held my hand out for the phone. No words were needed. She knew. I knew. Knowing doesn't really help. Not unless you make a choice to back up the knowledge will change happen. As she walked away her phone screen illuminated with notification of a new text. Wondering, I slid it open and looked at the incoming message. This was our deal when she received the phone. Without warning, peering at texts and phone records by parents was a way we thought would help to ensure innocence would not be lost. Pfffts. Right.

The message was nasty. Filled with written words of filth and hurt. Gulping down the fear rising into my throat I selected the option to read her outgoing messages. These messages were doubly hurtful, nasty and full of four-letter-fowl-words. I must have selected the wrong folder. n.o.p.e.

Reality is an interesting concept. My reality will look, smell and taste different from your reality. My past memories and hurts as well as my joys will influence my perception of my reality. Yet, there still are high and poor quality choices to be made regardless of perceived reality. Truth is there. Waiting. Though sometimes truth slaps you upside your head and kicks you in the pants, it is necessary. This was not what I had planned for my reality that night.

So, I stood, bracing myself with the frame of my bathroom door jam. Reeling from the reek of the stench that had poured out of her. Through her fingertips. I began to see double, yet the tears stayed held.My tears needed to wait. There was a mission to be completed - questions to be answered. Maybe there was a reasonable explanation for this. I bet she fell during PE today. That's got to be it. She's fighting a concussion. She answered the questions I presented in an emotionless, forthright and professional manner. No apologies. No remorse. No....what? Reason or recognition. She was found guilty and she didn't seem to care. I walked out of her room, helpless and broken. The words exchanged were not tense. Nor were they elevated. We had both been calm. As I descended the stairs a realization hit me.

I was disappointed. In my daughter. The baby I dreamed and planned for. The toddler I instructed who's sparkling eyes held me in such esteem. The little girl who was sure she'd marry her daddy one day and broke her arm falling from a slide when she was five. Who over corrected her brothers and "policed" the house constantly. Those issues seemed very diminished compared to the current information. I prayed. Ben and I talked. We prayed. We cursed and pointed fingers at oursleves. In the end, there was still a confused girl waiting in her room. Waiting for the worst. Waiting to hear that we disapproved, that I was disappointed. That she was.not.worth.it.

I found myself walking back to her room an hour later. Instead of condemning her poor choice, I told her a story. The princess in the white dress story. She messed up her pretty dress and tried to fix it herself, but that just made the problem worse. She needed help. She needed love. She needed hope. She needed, redemption.

Really, this is what we all need, what we all CRAVE. We need hope. We need help. We need redemption. We were not meant to figure this life out on our own. To wash our used-to-be-pretty-white clothes takes more than one.

She knew better. She made a poor choice, and it didn't taste good deep down. She began to cry. Yes, there were consequences for her poor choices, but changes are evident. In the time since then disrespect has risen again and again. We have been learning how to deal with this new stage and we are all working together better than ever now. Today she is more dear to me that she was previous to this event. She has grown.....so have I. Who knew? ;-)

The road is bumpy and long sometimes. But we often fail to take a moment, pause, look behind us and see the beautiful vista. That really does make the, sometimes, vomits journey worth the pain and broken hearts.

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: REJOICE! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything....." Philippians 4:4:6a

But, I don't want this to end

This break has been a sweet breeze in our lives. Some of the kids were not able to purchase items for their siblings or Ben and I. I encouraged them to make coupons as gifts. When the first one was opened I cried. There was thought and caring put into the act. It was priceless. Here is an example of one such coupon:

(it reads: This cupon is good for 10 minutes of Putting makup on me.

To esther from Sam

P.S. not on Christmas!)

My favorite gift was one made. Ben and the kids wrote words of encouragement and love on a coffee mug. I have used it everyday since!

One of the kids "group" gift from Ben and I was a new Connect Four game. Since both Ben and I had Monday off we decided to make it a championship out of it; a Connect Four championship with leader board, tee-shirt and all.

 I was undefeated. Then I played my second game with Ben (second place) and I LOST. That shirt should'da been MINE. Next time. It will be. =)

This was the fourth photo I took. Shack that up to a learning curve with the new camera. This would be the "gosh Babe. Didn't you take enough pictures" look.

  

 The kids also received the game Twister. WHAT A BLAST! This was the first night of Twister glory.

Thank you GOD for times of fun and memories. What a joy!

90% is not the same as 100%...

but it's DARN close! I have completed 90% of my finals. The remaining item is an in class essay about the Constitution of the U.S. Breezy, baby. BREEZY!

I am thankful for SO much through this time of improvised schedules.
Ben is a huge asset. He takes the kids to mid-week church activities and helps them all with homework. He has also become quite the chef. I cannot have done what I have without his efforts and support.
My Mom has been picking up the Twins from school every Wednesday. This enables me to work later than their pick-up time. I have been able to keep both jobs because she has helped out.
The kids are ever becoming more responsible with their activities. Es and Sam get to the bus stop on their own. Every kid has improved their school abilities and grades. This is a huge task!
Friends have been encouraging and offered advice as I have been in desperate need.

My heart is full of appreciation and gratitude. I am who I am because of many people.
Thank you to me is not just a term. It is a way of life. So, I will honor you all as I press on.

THANK YOU.

Time repeats

So do songs. In my brain. On rainy days. Even when I am sitting in class, taking notes. The song continues. In my brain.

I only have three weeks of this term remaining. This has been the most difficult term yet. I'll take the appendectomy of winter 2011 over repeating this term again. Yeah. Rough. The end is in sight though. I have just a single year until I graduate. Aw.h.sum. I have already registered for Winter term. I now need to meet the electives section. Thank God.

Weeeel, I gotta hit the books. I've got a 5 page ART paper due the Sunday after Thanksgiving. Ouch. Hopefully my Prof. will receive it well. =D

All is well. That in itself is beautiful.

My hair used to be red

I have had my hair colored for several years now. It used to be that I went in, asked for some low and high lights to just enhance my natural color (never covering all my locks). These days it seems that there has been a need for more enhancement than I remember. When I chose the color years ago, I never wanted to cover all my natural color due to it's awesome redness. This natural-ness of red color is fading. FADING. I was sad to begin with. Then I thought....
Just add some.more.red.

With a capital B.rilliant. This is what I requested.

It's been several weeks since my idea and I love the look. Since the color I have also had it cut. TEN inches. Then cut another several inches. I.love.it.

Curious aren't you? You will be able to see all when I post our family's bi-annual photo shoot.

Ha-ha!

the lighting was great

so I put my reading off, grabbed our o.l.d. camera, and took advantage.

My view of the 2.5 acre park behind our house.

This one I asked the kids to show me how family "looked". Voila!

Nuf said

Crater Lake. October 15th, 2011. For Grandma Betra.

I should be studying right now...

...but before I forget, I need to post our current schedules. I will forget. I know it.

Sundays: all kids practice for Christmas drama 9-10.30. All stay for service. Home. RELAX (or catch up on studying).

Monday: Ben and I get up at 4.55am. Work-out. Ben leaves at 6.40. I wake kids. Breakfast 7.15-7.45. Take Twins to school 8.10-8.30. Walk Es and Sam to bus stop 8.55-9.10. STUDY. P/U Twins 2.30-3.05. Begin dinner. 4.40-4.50 meet Es and Sam's bus. 5.30-6.15 dinner. 9.30 blessed sleep!

Tuesday:All is the same until I drop the Twins off. 8.50-9.50 internship at PCC. Class 10-11.50. Intern noon to 2.20. Directly P/U Twins and home by 3.05 (beginning the 18th the Twins will be p/u at 4). The remaining is the same.

Wednesday: All is the same except this is late start for Es and Sam. Bus p/u 9.55-10.10. I work my first job this day (my last day is the 12th of this month. Then I will be working my PCC job during this time) until 5. My mom p/u the Twins. Dinner and then church. THEN SLEEP!

Thursday: Everything the same as Tuesday.

Friday: Morning is the same. Then I intern from 9.30-12.30. After the 12th not be working the internship this day (Wednesdays instead) but will use this time to study.The rest of the day matches Monday.

Saturday: enjoy being a family!

We've switched up several ideas as a family. There is no TV watching from Monday a.m. to Friday morning. We used to have a huge cleaning day on Saturday, but we've begun talking little bits of our Saturday chart thought the week.

This term I am taking HE 242 (WEBonly), HST 201 and ART 205 (WEBonly). I am considering taking classes through this summer to enable my graduating at that terms end (if my memory serves correct I will only have 11 credits that term).
Es and Sam both are required 7 periods. They are maturing FAST! Es: Science, Math, CSI, Orchestra, Social Studies, Choir and Language Arts. Sam: Orchestra, Art, PE/Health, Language Arts, Social Studies, Math & Science. They do not share the same lunch time, but they see each other in the halls and their lockers are in the same spot. And of course, they ride the same bus. =D The Twins are enjoying the second to last year of their homeroom. I am amazed at the sponges the kids are. The literally soak up all this information. That is....if they are paying attention to their teacher! This is becoming less of an issue. THANK GOD!

Well, that's it. Nos vemos. See you!

We've been invaded by the body snatchers

Are you scared? I AM! During the past few weeks I have begun to realize that my kids are on their way out. Out of childhood and into teenager-dom and adulthood. Out of my arms and into the big, wide, some-times, scary world. How do I know this to be true? Well, I'll tell you.....

The two oldest ride the bus home from school. My heart was ever watchfull and attentive that very first ride. I thought I was going to stretch out of my skin to grab and hold them close! And when Sam (6th grade, 11yo) rode the wrong bus route....for 6 minutes I couldn't breathe. I wanted to do something, but was unable. If you are a parent and you've lost sight of your kid, even for a moment, you know that feeling. It is that despite, gnawing, yearning, passionate desire to....protect. To conquer the evil that you know is lurking. And you thought this was about a bus ride. It is. This bus mishap brought about all these emotions and thoughts. What if he, not only got on the wrong bus, but then got off at a stop on that wrong route? Did he tell the driver his plight? I wish he had his own phone. Maybe he's still at school. I love that annoying boy. I WANT HIM HOME. Needless to say, we all had a talk about how to handle these types of situations. My lesson was: even though they are older and more mature....my heart doesn't recognize that fact. My heart will always break, swoon and yearn for them. For their best. For their well being.

The next bit of evidence is their verbiage. The words they use and how they use them. "Mom, was this (item....movie, car, article of clothing) made in your time?". Them instructing ME how to preform certain household tasks or culinary procedures. Sheesh.

I know I am working myself out of this parenting job, and I accept that. The thing that has been unexpected is the heart ache. The turmoil of soul that training and raising this Quartet has brought is not something anyone could have prepared me for. My only hope is that I am the mother they need. That this teacher I am will give them all the tools and training they need to cultivate a love for learning and a love for God. I never knew this order was so tall.....may God help me.

Esther. 12yo. 7th grade.

Samuel. 11yo. 6th grade.

L-Joey and Zach. 9yo. 4th grade.

We're ALMOST there!

As I type Ben is removing the secondary subfloor in the dining/front room. This will allow him to lay the hardwoods without covering the baseboards. This is the last of our house projects. YAY!

We have stayed here for the past four nights. The kids bath is done now.

Now all we need to complete is.back.to.school.shopping. My brain will not compute. Didn't school just let out for the summer? Since I worked all summer I didn't get to see the kids as much as I would have preferred. BUT vacation is coming! Ben and I begin our vacation tomorrow!!!! I won't be back until the 8th of Sep. and Ben the 6th. The first day of school for the Twins and Sam is the 6th. Sis begins the 7th. I begin the 26th with my last full week of work being the 12th.

How has your Summer gone? Do YOU have any fantastic Fall plans?